this makes me want to be a better person, pt. 1

Nyle “Let The Beat Build” from Nyle on Vimeo.

relief // the play-offs

i’m pretty self-critical, to the point of stressing about how i did something correctly, or not, days, months and years in after the fact. that said, it was a tremendous relief today when i remembered one of my first days of class, and after wolfgang totally insulted me thinking i had said something that came from another student, he said, “don’t worry. if you say something stupid, just say, ‘i am a master’s student.’”

oh yeah, i’m not expected to be able to say put things as eloquently as my ridiculously-well-known-in-their-fields professors are.

***

so, i’ll take this time to write about the nba play-offs! the pistons were totally my jamspot during their height of heights – when they proved that a team of no real ’stars,’ just a really good team could take down legends. anyone who could make the mailman cry was okay by me.  a few years and a move to cleveland later, as well as the scrapping of the pistons for parts, i’m not finding myself particularly attached to anyone team. sure, the cavs are the cavs, lebron is lebron, but they’re seriously emblematic of cleveland in the worst way possible – they don’t really give a damn about playing well until they’re losing, usually scraping it together in the final minutes. unlike the city of cleveland, they’re able to manage their resources in order to pull off a victory. (i’m a bit soured, can you tell?) i’ve also been spoiled on the economy of professional sports and have descended down the rabbit-hole of critical sports theory (as much of a descent as possible considering my already tangential interest) thanks in no small part to sean smith at sportsBabel, a fellow student at my crazy-town school.

i’m liking kevin garnett, though. that’s just gut feeling, no real reason.

some words on mental illness / bad scene, everyone’s fault

admitting to yourself you suffer from depression is a difficult thing. i’m not speaking of “my dog just died,” or “my partner broke up with me,” sad. i’m dealing with a persistent battle, in good times and otherwise. admitting it to others, in earnest, is perhaps a matter of sharing and support. exposing it to someone intimately, however, over the course of years, through the death of a parent, among other things, is a terrifying proposition.

i’m a creature of compromise… i’m willing to give a lot of myself in order to resolve an issue. i’m willing to see that emotion takes over, the rabbit hole opens wide and i have to cling to that edge. and there’s being strong… taking one for the team, preventing things from surfacing for the sake of relationship-preservation. there’s also just burying it for that same sake. and that’s dangerous.

you end up expected to understand and to back down and you want that, too, to make it better, but the right/wrong thing makes that impossible.

i’ve got deep breaths to take.  my chest is tight, i need help.

temporality of judgment

that’s the topic of my thesis, what i’m pouring the juice of my mindgrapes into.

i’d like to write about loss, i’d like to defend judith butler. i’d like to defend myself, but i realize i just have higher standards for myself than others do.

i’d like to apologize for not keeping in touch, but i just can’t. it’s not like you’ve tried that hard, and if you have, then i really do apologize.

i’d like to be really angry with you for not being there for me. because you’re too young and stupid and self-absorbed to understand that people just sometimes do themselves in for no good reason. or maybe i should thank you for that, as it may have been the last straw.

i’d like to be livid that you couldn’t venture a few miles, that you just didn’t try even though we were the closest in physical proximity that we’d been in years.

i’d like to visit and hold your hand because you know, even if you don’t know. you usually have the right things to say, and will walk miles and miles in search of something delicious or challenging, or just because.

judith butler can defend herself anyway.

oh, one thing

i have another blog called the daily goff. every day, i post something about my friend art. it might be true, it might not.

http://thedailygoff.wordpress.com